After The Fall

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again...

It was on the eve of December 6, 2006 that I had tried to kill myself. The sins I had committed were far too heavy for any shoulder to carry. The pain I had caused was way too much to compensate. Killing myself was the easiest way I could find to end this all. Perhaps there was a heaven. Maybe a hell even. I was sure to find hell. They say the pain inflicted in hell is never ending. There are four suns shining continuously, and the heat melts us. Literally. It doesn’t end. It never ends. We just go on melting and melting. We are thirsty but there is no water. We are hungry but there is no food. We are tired but there’s no shade. We are lonely… and there’s no friend… that’s what hell was. But I knew I deserved worse. Even hell with all its agony could not match the magnitude for my chastisement. Each and every minute I was spending on this land was a shame to God and his billion followers. To my late family. To my late sister…. Every passing second was a reminder of the pain. I wanted her to know that she was the most beautiful soul in this world. That she was my little princess. That I would give her all possible happiness in this world! But the only thing I could ever acquaint her to was pain. And the greatest gift I could ever give her was death. I knew could have saved them. But I didn’t. When I pulled out their dead bodies from the rubble and debris, I knew this was my entire fault. That was where I had decided to kill myself. I was devastated. My soul lay in pieces, torn and tattered from the same blow I had caused this world. I was not fit to live on this planet. Not after realizing the magnitude of my act. Hell was one place I was ready to welcome. But I wasn’t sure if Hell was ready to welcome me.

That’s how much I hated myself.

 

 

“Excuse me…? Could you please take a picture of us…?” a man said coming up to me with a camera.

I looked at him and then at his family. His wife along with her beautiful daughter stood on the shoreline facing me. I say she was beautiful because even at such a moment, her smile cut a curve across my face. Perhaps that’s what beauty is…. Anyway, I took the camera and clicked the photograph.

“Thank you!” the man said taking back his camera. The girl too turned and smiled a sweet goodbye before disappearing in the crowd.

One good scored! I have also heard that all our good deeds and bad deeds were accounted in the books of God. I wondered if this would make any difference. But every breath of air I took was a sin as well. I had to hurry up with my death.

 

As I walked along the beach I watched the sun set in a cadence of colours. It kept sinking lower and lower into the sky. But it was still pretty high up above the horizon. Enough for me to make it in time. I held my shoes in my hand and walked barefoot on the wet sand. Dying waves touched my feet and the ebb dragged back everything that was left of it. A beautiful evening to die it was and a beautiful way too. I only hoped they could have the same fate as me… why the hell did I have to be so damn lucky!

I hated myself even more.

I looked at the horizon once again. There was no one on the beach except me. People were tiny dots at a distance. I couldn’t save my family. No one could save me.

With calm placid steps, I started walking towards the sun. Into the deep blue sea, that welcomed me with the garland of its waves. Perhaps they were more like the hanging noose for the situation, yet no less than garland for me. That was my answer for redemption. That was my answer to death.

I kept walking deeper and deeper. The water rose to my knees, to my chest, to my neck and finally it was over my head. Adrenalin rushed through my blood but I had no space for fear. Instinctively I took in a gulp of air as my head went in and soon ran out of it. The burning sensation in my lungs was growing in geometric proportions. Soon I was all out and in madness I started flinging my arms around. I knew I wasn’t supposed to do that. I was supposed to die as peacefully as possible. But I couldn’t help it. It was my stupid reflexes that were controlling my mind now. Nothing else. But the damage had been done. The water was way up over my head by now. There was no chance that I could have made it to the top. My senses had started growing weak. My efforts were heartless. I was dying…

For one last time I looked up and saw the beautiful colors of the sunset glimmer through the water. It was the most amazing thing one could see at the dying moments… and then darkness followed.

And then… I woke up in heaven!

 

Yes! I’m not joking! I was pretty sure it was heaven. There was God and there were Fakirs… lots of them. And there was a distinct smell of roses. Who else could it be with but Allah… the Great almighty! But I was still confused. What was I doing in Heaven? How did I end up here? Was hell overloaded? Hell it was! Why else would they throw me out? But perhaps it was a mistake… because moments later, I passed out.

 

It definitely was a mistake. The next time I opened my eyes, I knew I was right. A long queue of beggars stood ahead of me. Most of them were lepers and all of them wore a pitiable look on their faces. This was hell. Their helplessness was the proof of it. Drops of their skin peeled off from their body and slid down unto the parched earth. All of them were crying for relief from this inferno of molten pain. I looked up to check if there were really four suns as they said. Sure enough there were. But one thing still puzzled me. Why was I feeling good? A warm tingling sensation embraced me. I was comfortable lying out here in the open. But something was off key. I was  enjoying this. The fire of hell is not meant to be enjoyed. I started feeling drowsy again. And before I could understand anything out again!

 

“Oh! So you are finally alive!” that old man laughed with pleasure and relief.

“Alive…?” I mumbled, confused, “I don’t understand…”  

“Understand…? What’s there to understand here…? Allah is merciful. He spared you your life!”

“How is that possible? I drowned myself! I am dead!”

“No my son, you aren’t dead… you are as much alive as everyone here!”

“But I’m sure I was dead!” I whimpered, “I woke up in heaven… but it was a mistake… so I woke up in hell again… how can I be alive…?”

“I don’t know about where all you’ve been. But this certainly is the third time you’ve woken up.” The old man answered looking intently at him. “The first time you woke up when I had taken you to my Namaz at the Dargah. I guess the roses had brought you to senses. The second time you woke while I was busy giving food to the beggars. And now the third time…”

“Oh no… this can’t be happening to me..  This is so not possible…” I sank back down into darkness. 

 

This might appear weird. But I got to know the weirder stuff when I got up and asked him more about myself. I had drowned myself at chowpatty and he had found me at Haji Ali Dargah. A strange tide had brought my body to the dargah. And he pulled me up. But that was not all…

 He knew I would come.

 

I wanted to run away from him after I heard that. But I was weak and hungry. And yet a hell lot more scared. So much that I could’ve died out of fear. Still death was one thing I had totally lost my faith upon. I wanted to look up and yell at the stars that had set up such fate for me. I did. After a few hours of my resurrection I went out under the open sky. The stars were in their full blaze.

‘What the hell is this?” I yelled. “This isn’t fair! Why can’t you just let me die! Is it that tough?! What is this? Big boss!?? Whenever you feel like you take me in… whenever you feel like you kick me out! I’m not your personal entertainer! I’m not up for whatever you are doing! I despise you god… and I hate myself. So please let’s make up and help me end this… I can’t take anymore… can’t take anymore…”

With tears in my eyes I waited for a bolt of lightning to strike me. but nothing happened. I guess I had overacted.

 

I guess the old man must have heard me scream at those dark domes of heaven. His light touch on my shoulder made me turn around to meet his puzzled yet compassionate gaze.

“Not that it matters much…” he spoke hesitantly, “but who are you…? And what ails you so much?”

The idea of inventing another truth occurred to me. But I knew it wasn’t going to work. Every invented truth starts out as a lie, only somewhere in the process we fool ourselves into believing it as truth. Also, it points to the absolute in its attempt to hide it. Just like religion.

I hung my head in the answered in the same miserable voice that has echoed throughout creation since the first rebellion.

“I am… just another Adam. And I’m falling…”

   

 

                                                                                                                                  --- kafir.